Finding yourself. Putting yourself under the microscope can be a daunting task.
I assume the first step is denial. Let me assure you that I have been through this stage a few times and I have the t-shirt framed.
I recently looked at the mirror, patting myself on the back for a job well done. Commending myself on all of my achievements. Just loving myself.
Then my insurance company decided that I needed to be reviewed due to my weight issues. Do I have weight issues? Yes, as every other women does or so I thought. Then came my trip to the gynae. My beautiful, selfie mirror shattered when I was diagnosed with obesity and advised about all the other illnesses that follow it. Was that a correct diagnosis? Can I please get a second opinion? I don’t feel obese. Such an ugly word.
I know I have tunnel vision. I see and hear what I want to and honestly the rest I leave up to a Higher Power. So I stand in front of the mirror with my birthday suit on wondering just how I got here.
The second step sneaked up on me, the excuse making.
I look around me and see the most beautiful mothers with gorgeously sculpted bodies. I am so jealous. Feeling like a high school kid wishing I could be one of them. I sit in my car imagining these heroines, supermoms, gym gladiators, directors of multi conglomerates with a Scrooge Mac Duck money bin basement. I do know that this is not a reality but growing up watching Ally McBeal might give me an excuse for this at least. Here I am enrolled in the best gym in town 5 min from home and 2 min from school and a minute from work and I can’t even make the time or is it I don’t want to.
Most of the time I feel like I am the black sheep of my family.
I know most people want to lose weight to find the partner of their dreams or they have a need to look perfect. I on the other hand have my dream life.
I fell in love at first sight then later with his heart but married the man I was infatuated about.
I was so out of his league that I was scared to let anyone know that we were dating. I hated being different ‘fat’ and it did not help me that he looked so good and smelled divine all the time. We were the total opposites then and still are today. I joke with him saying I am his ‘Duff’ almost proud of having an actual title.
Now years later my daughter has been blessed with those same irresistible charms. I feel like I am constantly in their spotlight.
I worry that she will not be able to accept a mother like me but I am more terrified that if I don’t do something now I will not be here to find out.
I wonder if she will remember the woman that made sacrifices, keeping in mind that when choices had to be made hands down I have always chosen her even before she was born.
People look at me and may think this lady should have chosen her clothes the day before or at least have looked at the mirror before leaving home. Usually this will not bother me. However when a mother reprimands her 31 year old daughter, it is makes you stop and take notice.
While the magnifying glass was fixed on me, everyone seemed to add to my already glaring issues.
I am often told that I am not like an ‘Umhlanga Person’ which is weird because I did not know you had to look like a certain way to live in this area called Umhlanga.
People don’t see the mother who was burning the midnight oil on a new income generator for the family business or the mother who stays up cutting printables for a three year old party till her fingers cannot bend anymore or praying because she cannot sleep as she has an intuition.
Am I making excuses for this women that I have become? I know daughters usually model their mothers so I know I need to get my act together.
The third step, looking for someone, anyone to lend a hear. I rally up all my courage and go to the one person that always believes in me. The person that will feel my pain, my husband.
His advice was not so sympathetic as i imagined but wise enough. He said, ‘Don’t try to do everything.’
So this is my pep talk to myself I hope it helps you too.
It is okay if you are not the first mummy to rush through the door when picking your child up from school. There is a 30 minute allocated time for a reason.
It is okay if you say No watching more than one cartoon before school. If I get away with this I actually might make it to the gym.
It is okay if you include some exercise to children’s play time.
It is okay to ask for help every day.
It is okay to make going to the gym or taking brisk walks a priority. Understand it is not a luxury.
It is okay to spend some money on things you might need to live your best life.
It is okay to find some me time just to reflect. No mirrors.
Being with your children to shape and mold them into happy human beings is worth more than the money in an insurance cheque.
Remember taking care of yourself is taking care of your family.
So my journey begins, understanding just what it takes to becoming me again.